A Pause For Reflection
by Courtneycat
Summary: Set in Mockingjay. Johanna is rescued from the Capitol, after being tortured. Her usual tough behaviour has changed. Along the way comes Finnick, and there are alot of questions to be answered.


_Where am I?_

This was the first thought that struck Johanna's mind as she woke up. All she knew was that she was lying on the floor, the world was spinning, and her head was in immense pain.

She winced and opened her eyes, all alone in a room.

Johanna sat up and reached out for the wall opposite her, her body ached like never before and she could barely find the strength to stay upright- however she did by summoning up some hidden strength from within, though it hurt her immensely to do so. Quickly, she leaned her whole body against the cool metallic wall seeking its sturdiness and realness in a place that confused her as she had no memory yet of how she came to be in this position.

 _Is this the capitol? Where is Peeta?_

There was a sudden thud, causing her to almost lose balance.

 _Hovercraft._

She couldn't remember exactly what had happened. The only thing she _did_ remember was herself and Peeta in a tiny cell, darkness surrounding them and the screams that followed the endless torture and that would forever haunt their memories.

She tried hard to focus her gaze as she heard someone entering the room. It was all a blur, but as the person slowly came closer her sight slowly began to focus.

 _Haymitch._

Her eyes widened.

She never thought she would be glad to see any of the former tributes, but now that he was here, it meant that she was safe. Away from the Capitol, the torturing, the pain, the screams and nightmares.

"Welcome to District 13." He told her, slowly, carefully, approaching her- they all knew she was prone to unpredictable, violent behaviour, even when she was completely in her own mind. ''We barely got you guys out alive.''

 _District 13?_

She tried pushing herself away from the wall, and began trying to walk purposefully across the room, towards the door, desperate for fresh air, daylight, the sun on her almost translucent skin. But she couldn't. Johanna didn't have any more strength or energy to push herself further. Johanna collapsed into Haymitch's open arms, as he stopped her fragile body from hitting the floor. ''We need to get you to the infirmary...'' He muttered.

She wanted to protest- she was Johanna Mason! Tough as nails! But deep down she knew he was right.

Biting hard on her bottom lip, so she could focus the pain on a certain point, she drew blood. ''Let me go.'' She simply answered, and wriggled out of his grip, stumbling towards the door.

Haymitch remained on his spot and shook his head at her, knowing it was futile, as she stumbled her way out and through the exit of the hovercraft.

The woman reached the ground and made her way straight into the building ahead of her. She could hear voices, surrounding her, though they were faint- But reached the door her, she saw their faces. The two people that she had grown to care about.

 _Finnick. Finnick was alive._

Suddenly his eyes shifted to the direction in which she was standing. She was relieved he was still there. Breathing. Despite the Capitols lies, after all he was the only weapon they could ever use against Johanna Mason. Her only weakness. But she never cracked. All that went escaped her lips were screams and endless threats against them.

 **Flashback.**

 _''Tell us where he is.'' An unknown, dark voice spoke._

 _''Never.'' She yelled into the room through gritted teeth._

 _Her eyes were blindfolded. Hands were bound to the chair so tight that there were bloody marks on her wrists, making her light headed as the pressure became too much to handle. The chair was made of steel, and it was placed inside a small tank in the middle of the room, with water filled up to her knees. She was attached to wires, that led through to a battery. If they so much as pressed that switch…._

 _Johanna was shaking. But with what? Fear? Why would she be scared? Johanna Mason didn't even know the definition of the word fear. Or that's what she tried to convince herself over and over again._

 _The voice spoke again, but this time he was closer. ''I'm only going to repeat myself once.'' He grasped a handful of her hair, what was left of it, and sharply pulled her head back making cry out._

 _''Where is Finnick Odair? Surely you know of him. Being his lover back at the Capitol.''_

 _Her heart pounded harder against her chest, and her breathing got heavier._

 _The Capitol knew everything. No exceptions._

 _''Did Annie know? The girl he's in love with? He would be crushed if anything were to happen to her.'' He bent down, whispering with an evil smirk into her ear, causing a shiver run down her spine. ''We could kill her at any moment you know. If you don't tell us the information we need.''_

 _She tried to swallow, but her mouth was too dry._

 _She was told not to tell them anything. No matter what they threatened with._

 _''What's the matter?'' He had an evil grin plastered on his face as he pulled her hair harder. ''Are you afraid we're going to kill your lover? Or in this case his beloved?''_

 _She hissed at him, clenching her teeth shut._

 _''Don't worry. Once we find him we're only going to ask questions. So, be a nice girl and tell us.''_

 _She finally decided to answer him, and said the only thing that made sense right now._

 _''Fuck off.''_

 _Her cheek was burning._

 _His hand had struck across her face and left a red mark. As if that wasn't enough, it was followed by a knee to the stomach. She was on the verge of crying. But she immediately stopped herself from doing so, she didn't want them to see how weak she could be._

 _''Electrocute her.''_

 _No, no, no. Not that. Anything but that._

 _For a second it was quiet. Until they pressed the button and a shock went through her body. The pain didn't end, and she was sure that this time it would kill her. She prayed this time it would kill her. She screamed out in horror, unable to escape._

 **End of flashback.**

Her gaze turned upon Finnick. She noticed Katniss a few feet away. Johanna didn't give a damn about meeting her. He was the only thing she needed right now. His comforting arms around her, telling her it was all going to be okay.

A smile crept across his face and he made his way over in her direction.

She could feel it now, him keeping her safe and warm. His breath against her skin, telling her soothing words and sweet nothings.

If only, he hadn't walked right through her like she was nothing, completely invisible.

She didn't get it.

But as soon as she heard a voice behind her shriek in joy, she understood how he could just go on past her. ''Finn- Finnick.''

He yelled back in pure excitement. ''Annie!''

She felt as if she was being choked.

She suddenly noticed Katniss eyes on her. She needed to get out, she could barely breathe. She ran to the nearest exit and fell to her knees as she collapsed to the ground, shattered. Tears left her eyes and hit the pavement below her.

The last time she cried was when her family was killed. Nothing had ever been as horrible as that. Until now. She didn't want to be there anymore. _Why did they have to rescue her? Why couldn't they have just left here there to die?_

''Johanna?''

She was startled by a voice behind her. But it wasn't just any voice. It was the voice of a person she had to unwillingly protect in the previous games.

''Are you alright? Where's Peeta?''

She quickly dried her tears away hoping she wouldn't see, shifting her position against the wall sitting with her back against it. "I don't know.'' She muttered.

Katniss stood awkwardly by the door. ''Is he okay..?''

"He's alive.'' Was all she told her.

''Okay.'' She heard Katniss say in a low voice, followed by a hushed sigh of relief. She could feel Katniss getting closer.

''You should get to the infirmary. Here, let me help.'' She lowered her hand towards Johanna, who just slapped it away.

''Leave me alone.'' Her body was trembling.

Katniss kept quiet for a few minutes before speaking again. ''I never got to thank you.''

She looked up at her and raised an eyebrow. ''For what?''

''For what you did. For saving my life…''

Johanna was starting to get light headed again as she closed her eyes and rested her head back against the wall. ''It wasn't for you, Mockingjay.''

Katniss remained silent and unsure of what to say.

''Just… leave.'' Was all Johanna remembered saying before blacking out.

Slowly she opened her eyes, taking another minute for her eyes to adjust to the brightness of the room. Everything was white, white walls, white linen, white floors, white curtains surrounding her bed- the only not white thing was the metallic pole holding up her drips, one filled with clear fluid, the other filled with O+ blood, and the whole place just reeked of antiseptic.

She was at the infirmary. Johanna felt weak but thankfully not in as much in pain as she was earlier- realising that the clear drip would be full of morphling.

Her gaze was brought down towards the edge of the bed as she noticed someone sitting on a chair, their bronze hair resting on the foot of her bed seemingly asleep. ''Finn..'' She managed to whisper in a raspy voice.

His eyes, the blue-ish shade of green that was impossible to forget, flickered open almost immediately. He regarded her open eyes and mouth hanging open in shock with a little grin; "You're finally awa-"

''Why are you here?'' She quickly hissed before he could finish.

''What do you mean? You just came back from the Capitol.'' He sat up, and ran a hand through his luscious locks, before taking her hand within his own, rubbing small circles on the back of his hand like he used to do in the Capitol all that time ago. ''I'm so glad you're back. I mean, I somehow knew. You're a hard woman to kill, Jo."

After a moment she slapped his hand away and refused to look at him, and scoffed in her hoarse voice. ''You're happy I'm back? Surely I'll just get in the way."

''What do you-'' He paused, and then knew what she was talking about. ''Is this about Annie?''

She immediately felt stupid for bringing this up again. They weren't anything anymore. She shouldn't mean so much to him, nor him to her. Finnick and Annie that was something, and she would do well to remember it.

''No.'' She immediately said.

''Jo...'' He started, but got stopped by her.

''Don't call me that.''

He sighed. ''Johanna... I know what we used to do way back then...''

She completely ignored him. She was not going to sit there and listen to this. Why the hell would he even bring it up again? Why the hell would he need to go through the details? She knew it was all just a fling they had, Finnick had made that clear, she just couldn't help it. She didn't want it to end the way it did. She didn't want it to end.

She looked down at her arms again, the wires and tubes were everywhere. She lifted her hand and ripped all of them off her skin in one go, with a groan and a gasp escaping from her lips. She just couldn't stay there anymore, not with him.

''Jo-'' He stood up as she made her way out of the bed as fast as she could. ''Johanna.'' He said, not wanting her to flip at him over the nickname he had gotten used to calling her over the years.

Johanna stumbled through the curtain surrounding her bed and found herself in the nearly empty ward where the few other patients she could see lay sleeping. Still unbalanced and unable to see straight she fell into a table filled with operation tools. Fumbling around she took a small knife from the stack of tools, wielding it towards Finnick who followed. ''Don't come any closer, or I'll… I'll… stab you.''

''Johanna.'' He said, trying to calm her down. ''Stop. This is ridiculous.''

''Don't fucking tell me what to do. You know I'm crazy, I'll do it.''

He noticed her voice breaking slightly. What on earth did the Capitol do to her, this wasn't like her. She never seemed so... Afraid.

He stretched his arm out slowly approaching her. "Give me the knife Johanna." Finnick's voice was quiet and sure.

''Finnick...'' She spoke, but it only came out as a whisper. ''I'm serious.'' Her hands were shaking now as well.

He inched towards her slowly, Johanna becoming more and more stressed, her breathing sharp and ragged now as she hyperventilated.

''Please...'' He begged her, and managed to put his hand on her shoulder.

As his hand touched her, she broke down. The knife hit the floor as it fell out of her fingers. She fell into his arms and he wrapped them around her pulling her in close, resting his chin against her head.

He could feel her now, and see even more so how broken she had become. Her body was smaller, nothing but skin and bones. Finnick was afraid that if he hugged her too tightly she would just snap. Her hair was shaved off in large patches, her cheeks were gaunt and around her eyes were a dark purple colour. He could imagine the scars and cuts and bruises underneath the hospital gown she wore.

''You should lie down again.'' He brought his hands under her thighs so that he could pull her up into his arms carefully. He carried her over to the bed and put her down. Finnick lay on the bed beside her, arms still encasing her tiny body fearing more for her now than he'd ever done before. There were only two women who could intimidate Finnick Odair; one had died in order to save him, the other lay in a hysterical broken and shivering wreck next to him, and he just didn't understand why the world was so cruel.

''I'm sorry about what happened when you came back, I had no idea you were there.'' Finnick whispered

His words stung her ears.

''Of course you didn't.'' She replied as sarcastically as she could manage.

He let out a sigh and climbed off the bed sitting back on his chair, trying to meet her eyes. ''I really am. I'm sorry for everything I put you through.'' Johanna let out a sharp breath, looking down at his hand that was now on top of hers again.

After a long silence she allowed herself look up and at him. It may as well have looked like he'd been to the Capitol too. He looked like hell. His eyes were dark and tired due to lack of sleep. His hair was messy, and longer than she'd ever seen it, his curls go all the way down to the back of his neck. She noted that his body wasn't as toned as it usually was.

About to make a smart, snarky remark, she snapped back again to reality when she felt his hand on her cheek stopping her train of thought in its tracks. His beautiful green eyes were staring straight into her murky brown ones as they sat in complete silence, just the sound of their breathing and the whirring of hospital machinery.

It all happened so fast that she had no control of the situation. Their lips had connected, and she closed her eyes moving her hands up to meet his face as she tilted her head to the side deepening the kiss. His lips were rough against hers as they both craved more from each other that neither of them could offer at this moment in time.

She grabbed the material of his grey shirt, pulling him backwards towards the bed. Eventually she slowed down as reality set in once more, parting her lips from his, their foreheads resting together as they seemed to breath in unison.

''Finnick-'' She softly spoke, and looked into his sea green eyes.

''Yes?'' He whispered back, looking back into hers.

''Please don't leave me here.. I know I would never say this but, this time I need it.''

He rested his his head against hers as he held her close.

''I'll stay... Whatever you need.'' He sighed. ''But we can't keep on going forever..''

She knew exactly what he meant.

After the doctors had hooked her back up to the morphling the next day, she lost all gage of time. People came and went, Haymitch, Katniss, Plutarch, Coin once or twice, Peeta came eventually when he was less crazy and chained up, Katniss' pretty cousin appeared occasionally looking for gratitude as he had been the one to save her apparently- but she wasn't going to give it… not that she could form brilliant conversation when she was spaced-out under the effects of the morphling, of which she had become reliant on, even though she didn't really need it anymore.

Days, weeks or months later- she didn't really know nor care, when she was feeling somewhat better, Johanna decided she was not going to lay here and feel sorry for herself any longer. Her feet hit the cold hard floor, and she carefully unhooked herself from the tubes once more. She looked up to prepare herself for walking again this time refusing to get dizzy or fall over.

Luckily it all went well and she succeeded, making it all the way across the room without fainting, or taking a fall. Her hand closed around the door knob as she slowly opened it looking around her and into the empty corridor. It was dark, grey and small. Like the walls were closing in, a contrast to the white open-ness of the hospital.

She seemed to hear people talking nearby. Masses of voices- not just one or two.

The voices got clearer as she walked further down the halls. Still using the walls for support she found the open doors to what seemed to be the cafeteria. Confidently she strolled inside.

It took her a minute to notice how many people were actually in the room. Her eyes came across a table with familiar faces. Her eyes immediately fell on Finnick, who sat with Annie covering her ears with his hands. Some amount of jealousy burned within her. He hadn't been visiting her for a while. She then noticed Peeta sitting across the table from them, what a relief. Their shared cell in the capitol meant that they were very well acquainted with each other, she would even go as far as to call him a friend.

She walked over to the table and immediately sat besides the blonde. All eyes were turned to look at her, but she just looked at Peeta.

''Johanna.'' It was Peeta who spoke suddenly. ''Are you alright?''

She moved her gaze to the bread that was placed on the table and reached over to get herself a slice. "I'm peachy.'' She lied. ''How are you crazy? Things changed since you came to see me last?" Johanna said brashly without a second thought about offending him or anything.

Peeta laughed a little, and returned his gaze towards her. ''I have to be surrounded by doctors and nurses all the time, no freedom. But there's no real change there. Health wise I'm great though. Just crazy."

She raised an eyebrow at him as he turned away and started talking to a funny but quirky looking girl sitting besides him. ''So, as I told you earlier Delly-''

She rolled her eyes and looked at the people sitting there.

Katniss who was on the other side of the table was staring at him with sad eyes. Johanna surely hadn't seen her this torn apart before, she didn't even think Katniss loved him- however that look of heartbreak would suggest otherwise… not that she actually cared.

She was probably staring way too much, so diverted her eyes at the jug of water before reaching out for it. The only problem was that so did Finnick. ''Oh, sorry. Here let me help you.''

''It's fine, I got it.'' She grumbled back, yanking it so he knew that she was strong enough to hold a jug of water however he chose that moment of yanking to let go, which was a bad move. Her grip on it had been way too strong, and when he let go, the water splashed out of the jug and all over her thin hospital gown. She froze a look of terror on her face.

There were stifled giggles all around her however; Finnick noted not the water on her gown, but the terrified look on her face. ''Johanna are you okay?''

Her heart was beating fast and her breathing uneven.

She looked around, all eyes were on her, and she felt the weight of the anxiety pressing on her. She needed to escape.

Now.

She ran towards the door she came in by, knowing nowhere else to go. She needed to get out, still feeling attacked and afraid and unable to form coherent thought. Her body slumped against the wall in the corridor. She wanted to scream, but no sound was able to come out of her. It was like they'd slashed her vocal chords.

She heard a door open nearby. She knew exactly who it was. She had no intention of talking to this person.

He placed a hand on her shoulder. ''Jo. What happened?''

She cried out, slapping his hand away. ''Stop.'' She managed to say.

She whimpered as she sunk to the floor, her back to the wall.

"Jo, talk to me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it… Was it the water?'' He frowned, speaking with soft concern.

She bit her lip and closed her eyes, clutching her arms tight around her chest.

''I guess it was.'' He placed his hands around her wrists and pulled her up by force. ''I'll follow you back to the infirmary, you need medical attention.'' Her body weakened, she still tried to fight his grasp unsuccessfully.

He brought her into his arms and walked with her to her section of the ward.

He walked her over to the bed and she finally stopped fighting and lay down.

''I'm sorry I haven't been around..'' He whispered. ''You know how it is. It's complicated. It always has been..'' He cupped her face with his hands and moved towards her, planting a tender kiss on her forehead.

''Finn..'' She looked at him through sad eyes.

He sat down besides her on the bed, looking at her. ''What did they do to you, Jo?''

She pulled her knees up to her chest and put her head down onto them. She was so tired, so weak. ''They- They tortured me.. Using electrocution and water.''

'' _Those bastards.''_

 _She didn't want to tell him the real truth, that they used him as a weapon against her._

She looked down and saw his hands turn into fists. She took her hand and lay it upon his. ''Stop.. It's not worth it. Not anymore.''

He let out huge breath, and closed his eyes. ''I don't want to forget what we had.'' His gaze moved down to their hands. ''What we do have.''

She lifted her head in surprise, due to her pain. ''We can't.. Not now. You said so yourself.'' She had to tell him, even if it was the opposite of what she wanted.

''I know.'' He still looked down, tracing his thumb over her hand. ''I know we can't because of Annie, I have to stay with her. But I also have to stay with you. I love you both, but in very different ways.''

''You've told me before...''

''Everything we've been through. I thought you were dead.'' He said ignoring her comment. ''I thought Snow killed you off back there, that they wouldn't bring you back when they rescued Annie and Peeta. I was shattered. I never knew you were such an important part of my life. But when they said you might not make it out alive, something snapped inside of me. I just can't leave you. I cannot leave us.''

She moved closer to him so that their foreheads touched.

''Finnick. You'll have to. For both of us.'' She ran a hand down his cheek. ''For the rebellion.''

He moved his head, pressing his lips against hers again. She knew it was wrong, oh, so wrong. But it felt so good.

''You have to go..'' She said, parting from him as she looked into his eyes. She was getting so tired, she felt weaker and weaker. He lied her down onto the bed with the covers over her.

''I'll never forget, Jo.'' His eyes and a kiss to the forehead was the last thing she remembered before she blacked out into a deep sleep.

He left the room quickly and closed the door behind him.

 **AN:**

 **I love Finnick and Johanna as a pairing, and writing this was fun.**

 **But I also had to write the harsh truth, that they couldn't end up together, because of all the other many reasons. Annie, the Capitol etc.**

 **I posted this story a while ago, but it was more of a sad story for Johanna. I changed it so that I ended it with the feeling that they both loved each other, and did want it to work, but couldn't because of the life they lived.**

 **Tell me if you liked it!**


End file.
